I need a knot

I'm at the end of my rope. I have load upon load on my shoulders and no matter what I do I just keep getting more. I honestly don't know how I'm going to keep taking it...

I lost the truck again. Funny thing, repo. Once they've come and gotten it and you get it back they can come take it again if you are even late. Live and learn. So, they came and got my truck and now I can't get it back without paying off the contract. Crap. Nice.

And now, I am apparently about to lose the house, too. My own damn fault. I should be out prostituting myself for rent money rather than trying to make an honest living in a screwed economy. I get laid off of a company I believed in because the new "CEO" fancies himself a tech savvy guy and wants all the good ideas to come from him. What a putz. He's a smart guy, but he doesn't know what he doesn't know. Like that I had designed everything he's trying to figure out - him and his little pocket technician. Crap. Nice.

So, I have been late on my rent for the last 2 or 3 months. I don't remember. I get it in, but I've hit the last straw with the landlords. They have a whole extra month of deposit (on top of the first and last normally given). But I have broken every promise to them (which is why I don't promise people. people are always asking you to "promise" when they already know you are not in control of what happens to you on a daily basis. sets you up to fail. Well, I have again, some more.

I owed them 400 more for September by the 3rd of October. Well, I take a kick to the head, get a concussion, and my truck gets reposessed. So, I'm not driving and wouldn't be able to remember where I was supposed to go anyway. I just got a terse voicemail from the owner. If I don't have the rest of september and all of october by the 10th then she's giving me a 3 day notice to pay or quit and I lose the house.

Honestly, if my life insurance would pay in the event of suicide I'd really have to think about it...unfortunately, I've actually read my policy and it doesn't. I couldn't do it to Sara anyway. I've been a daughter who has lost her mother to suicide. That was the hardest one for me out of the 5 suicides in the family. And she's been through enough. Still...I throw up my arms in frustration threaten the sky with it. Then go cry into my dog.

I've gone through my entire house and taken pictures of everything I can sell. I'm sending them to my Uncle Sim so he can have/buy whatever he wants to stay in the family. Yes, its all family stuff. I don't have shit for furniture or household goods other than my kitchen and Sara's stuff. I've been slowly selling off stuff for a couple of years now. I don't mind minimal. More room for art, and pictures, and the wheelchair in more areas. So after uncle looks at pix and picks, then i'm calling an estate liquidator to get rid of everything else and hand me the cash.

I just need to get past this rough spot..this arid desert of financial grit...I'm doing good learning the insurance stuff and will start making money this month, but it is a process. One that will give my family something we really need again...some financial security...and me something I didn't realize I really needed...a place where I am truly a partner (not just a knowledge battery to be used and discarded)and can help take care of other people.

So...I am literally at the end of my rope and I need a knot. I am out of airspeed, altitude, and ideas all at the same time. boo, freaking, hoo. jeez I hate this song...makes me want to smack my head up against the wall until I forget my own name...