Sometimes you just have to laugh...

I'm rolling down the road, talking to my sister-in-law when all of the sudden my truck starts making pretty strange sounds. Hmm. This is not good. Then, it just stopped..broke down. I dropped the call with Kim and just started laughing. It all has just gotten to be so comical, so unbelievable.

Anyway...got towed to the nearest Ford dealership. Looks like the alternator. But I didn't get to go cuddle with Sara tonight. That's all she and I had planned for tonight. Maybe see if we could catch some TV like we used to.

She's doing really well. I love that smile of hers. That mischevous mind and the jokes she plays on people. What a turd...

So - I had a discharge planning meeting yesterday. Met with the woman who threatened the denial letter, and her boss, and our social worker. They went over what it would even take to bring her home. The manager was trying to scare me, but that doesn't scare me now. What scares me is people's bullshit - like what her employee slung at me for no reason. I did speak my mind to her during the meeting - and then dropped it.

So, anyway, they gave me a huge list of things to worry about. And, I reminded them that although I want nothing more than to bring her home, I'm not stupid. Desire and ability are still pretty far apart. I told them that until they have IN WRITING from me that she is coming home that they are to continue looking for a subacute nursing unit for her, with the goal of her going to inpatient rehab when she can handle it. They expained that the continuing issue is lack of beds, and then that most subacute nursing units are really for elder care. Yeah...like a 19 needs to bunk next to a 91 year old.

I asked them if Kaiser would put her someplace they didn't have a contract with at present, like Kentfield Rehab. They have a stepdown unit for people who aren't ready for the main program. I know it seems like I am all over the place with where she is going, and what to do with her. Honestly, I am. I just want her home. I just want her where I can get her the alternative treatment. But, for every want, there are 5 reasons why it isn't happening yet. Makes you just want to laugh to keep from burstin into tears. I'm pretty much all cried out, though. They come once in a while.

So, on the house front if I had good credit and no dogs I would have a place. But if I had good credit I would just buy a house and who would care if I had dogs. It became a little bit of a moot point yesterday, when I found out some of the physical requirements to bring Sara home on a ventilator. I have to have a gas generator installed in the house. I have to do other improvements to a place. Nobody renting would allow me to make those kinds of modifications to the house. And, my bright idea that I could just bring her here and take over the second floor for just her - nope. Can't do it. Can't have her above the ground floor without an elevator. That'yll never happen in this apartment. They get all pissy if you even ask about doing anything.

The plan - Kaiser is going to try and get her into Kentfield. I am going to work on fixing my credit. She is going to continue to make slow progress and work to get off the vent. Kaiser is going to find an appropriate place for her to be, or she stays in Sacramento. I'm going to keep working and going to see her, and trying to keep it all together. She is going to continue to work any muscle she can.

I talked to her about it for a long time last night. I felt as if I had failed her - having to tell her that I was just not finding a way to get her out of the hospital. She's been in the hospital over 100 days, more than a quarter of the year. She is more understanding about this than I am. She amazes me. I know she wants out, to be with her friends, near her cat, in the arms of her family. And she is more understanding about this than I am. I guess in her position you can either be understanding or tie yourself in knots like I am... I keep looking at the clock..hell, at the calendar...and knowing that the longer we have to wait the less effective the alternative treatment may be. That, right there, is hell for me.

Anyway - another regroup. There are still other things that need to happen before I can get her home and treatment and then therapy. And part of that is cleaning up part of the mess from my own life, my poor decisions. Then, at least my own crap won't stand in the way of my helping her.

i'm rambiling. i'm coming out of my skin right now. I'll go ahead and bounce off the walls until I go to sleep tonight, then wake up tomorrow all fresh and see what else can happen tomorrow....