There are no lies here...

Wow Denise. I am sorry that any of my posts, words, or actions have caused you or Tracy such grief. Any omission on the blog, regards the conversation I had with her yesterday, was purely to spare any public criticism or questions regards Sara and Tracy. I figured that if she didn't want to see him, she had her reasons. I did not question her about it, figuring it was between him and her. I didn't figure it was right to air that part in open forum. Kindly forgive that omission, as it was meant with good intentions.

I don't know where to start with reply to your post, Denise. Please understand, first and foremost, that I have nothing but appreciation for you and Tracy. You guys did something amazing by keeping her on Kaiser, and fighting so hard to protect that. I have not stated anything to the contrary with anyone at any time.

My entry about the medical system at work. Well, that's a bit more complicated. You are right - neither Sara nor I maintained her on ANY insurance. Reason - money. When I was forced out of my job by my business partner, Mark Spongberg, I lost all benefits. He also has to date kept my 13% of the company, although I asked him several times early on to make me an offer for it. so I got to walk away from something I had spent years building with absolutely nothing. If that wasn't bad enough, while with the company I helped found, my business partners modified the medical coverage I DID have, just in time for me to have a car accident myself (with a severe concussion and months of post-concussion syndrome) and then I got the joy of my first mammogram and finding 3 potentially cancerous tumors. Biopsies, and a double partial mastectomy later, I found out the result of my partners changing the coverage - I had 20K in copays/coinsurance and then was out of a job and lost everything, including the ability to pay it. Forget COBRA, I couldn't make the premiums. You don't know this but there have been many months that the cupboards were very lean and we did without almost everything. That doesn't matter, though, I see. So, you feel I made a choice - the choice was made for me. You don't know what my life is like, or what I have to go through just to try and raise my kids. I'm not complaining. I'd rather live in a tent and eat cat food than live without my children.

That being said - It has made me sick and fearful that something would happen to one of us. Not that you'd believe it, but things were really starting to look up for us. My consulting was starting to become more steady, I was getting old bills paid, I even turned back on the DirecTV. We didn't have TV for almost a year. Not that it is any kind of necessity at all. Just offering that as an indication that things were starting to look better. I'm sure you'd offer that I could take that $60 and apply it toward the $600+ premium it would take for medical for the family. Just needed another $540 to make that work. And, before you point out that Tracy pays me child support of $494 per month for both children, and I could apply that towards that - well, it was still going for food. That's what I almost always use it for. I can only do what I can do.

I know that the government is not a charity. But there are provisions OF LAW to take care of certain citizens, and provide assistance and entitlements. You'll be familiar with a big one, Medicare...You're a very smart woman and know many more, I am sure.

You are right...I haven't spent a dime so far on Sara's care. Just the driving back and forth almost every day, sometimes twice. Just the countless hours researching anything I can do to help my daughter. I have had incredible phone bills calling specialists, researchers, facilities. Just the mountains of paperwork and the days spent sifting through state and federal government agencies to ensure that benefits that are legal entitlements for her are taken care of for her and can start so that her long term, ongoing, lifetime care needs can be met. I have lived on coffee and little else. Had to have my car repaired twice for nearly driving it to death. I've payed hundreds of dollars for her medical records at both of the first hospitals. I have purchased things to entertain her, comfort her, and care for her and her body. I have paid all of her personal bills and taken care of ending ongoing expenses that way. I went crazy at christmas and tried to make it the best I could for Michael, Sara, Sande, Daniel. And I have been doing that at the same time I've been trying to go back to work and try to make a living, take care of Michael, maintain a relationship with Don, and care for myself. I have had to play air traffic controller with her visitations, so someone is there every day. I've had to listen and be a sounding board when she didn't want to see someone and their feelings got hurt. Believe me, Tracy is by FAR not the first person she decided she did not want to see, or that she wanted them to leave. And i know that hurts - and I am sorry. But i can't imagine he'd want to go there when she didn't want to see him. Apparently, I am wrong in this assumption. So, yes, I have to date not had to pay for any of her medical care to date. And you have paid all the premiums, without ever complaining about it. But, at some point, as you know, her entitlements for some things in Kaiser will run out.

Tracy has made VERY CLEAR to me that when you retire the Kaiser ends. Scares the holy shit out of me, but it is what it is. I shouldn't just say "the Kaiser". I should say "your Kaiser." And, yes, Sara has been in ungrateful bitch to you in the past. Yours has been quite a terse relationship, on both sides. Would you care for me to share the why and how here, or is that omission ok with you? Same thing goes for Sara's relationship trials with Tracy. Share, omit, ok? My preference is to omit, as I believe that is still between you and Sara and Tracy and Sara. Despite what you may think of me to this day, I am a good and kind woman. I don't like conflict and have gone to great lengths in my life to both stop and avoid it.

And, I have been told, by Kaiser, that they want to be able to bill MediCAL and MediCAL extended for some of the expenses and the ongoing stuff. THEY have started preparing me for being out on the street with a quadraplegic daughter. I'm just trying to figure out what to do here. Cut a woman some slack... jeez

So, when you retire and you and Tracy move to Arizona, I'm going to be here caring for Sara - for the rest of her life. No problem, except the paying for it. But, that is my worry, isn't it. Tracy has been mentioning to me about the insurance so I can see what i can do before that happens. He has mentioned at least twice that he is worried about financial ruin for her medical expenses. I am, too. Thank God I am only responsible for half of them going forward... Has he mentioned that to you? He even suggested that I put everything in her name, so that if somebody had to get ruined financially, it would be the person without any finances anyway. Yeah, I figure its my bullet to take, just the same. So, I am trying to work full time, get benefits, and work everything I can for her.

But, YES, the fact that your Kaiser was available saved Sara. I again speak with love (yes love - is it misplaced? you still seem to hate me...and i've never wronged you) and admiration for you that you did that, despite the relationship you and Sara have had. YOU weren't required to have her on insurance. Tracy was. I was. Tracy and I both failed to protect Sara, not just me. And you, for whatever reason, saved the day for both of us, but mainly for Sara. She'd be dead. Tracy has expressed many times that would probably be easier all around. Well, I've been that route before, with Christopher. Losing Sara would be much harder than losing Christopher, and that nearly killed me. The only thing that saved me was being pregnant with Sara.

But I'll stop rambling here. I don't know for sure WHY Sara didn't want to see Tracy. If I had to hazard a guess, it would be that she doesn't want him asking the "big questions". You know the ones. "do you want to keep fighting?""do you want to live?""do you know what that means?" She doesn't want him asking those questions. THAT I DO KNOW. Know how I know? I asked her, after Tracy and I talked on Saturday. On Monday her Grandma and I went up to spend the day with her. And I asked her, as I always give Tracy the benefit of the doubt and told him I would continue to check with her. She indicated that she doesn't like the questions. She knows I will still ask her from time to time, if I see her will waning. Her will is certainly NOT waning at this point. But, Tracy decided, for whatever reason (despite the fact that HE and I discussed him NOT asking her those questions) that he would ask. She indicated, in front of her grandma, that she didn't like it when he asked. She told him what he wanted to hear so he'd leave it alone. Is she lying to me, or to him? My guess is him, given the fact that she could shut herself down at any time, and still keeps fighting. But, again, I didn't want to get into this, in this forum, or at all. I was perfectly willing to just let it go and not stir up a bunch of hurt feelings and shit.

I don't know how to make you NOT feel that you are only useful for keeping Sara alive. That feeling you chose to have, and chose to feel like you're being used. You are certainly not. It is up to you when you chose to drop your own Kaiser, and subsequently my children. If you want to keep it going, to retirement and beyond, I will gladly, happily, pay the premiums for it. it is absolutely the least I can do for your generosity, and your forward thinking. You tell me what I should do here. You've always seemed to know best when it came to me and my life and my kids and their father. So let me know how I can make this situation palatable for you, if not tolerable. You saved my daughter. I don't know what else to say, except, there are no lies here...