Yesterday I went to one of my client offices to work. I had been into some of my offices since all this happened, but yesterday it started to hit me - the change. I don't know if it was happening all along, or maybe I just noticed.
I noticed the change in peoples faces. They are sad I think, or a little pity. Either way, nobody knows what to say. That really is ok everyone. I know it is hard being a witness to this. It is hard being a player, too. You want to say something that will help, but can't think of anything. Then I have to think of something to help you feel better, but I can't think of anything either...
We really don't have to feel better about this. Not yet, at least. And its ok.
People ask me how Sara is and all I can answer is either "she's not dead" or "pretty much the same". I'm really not trying to be trite. I can't even think of a response that would fit. I know some people ask to be nice, but don't really want to know. Others ask because they really want to know, and to unleash that would not be nice.
That's why I blog this. It is part for self preservation and part for sharing. I think it helps me not having to say things over and over again. And, i'm not so silly to think that I'm the only person who cares about her. I am amazed at the hundreds of people who are following her journey. It gives me strength to know other people care for her too.
But last night - I was so not ready for this - the doctor who put in Sara's PEG tube talked to her grandmother and I outside of Sara's room. He wanted to offer something, say something, and gave us his condolences on this tragedy. ...it echoed in my head.... ...this tragedy.... and then later, in Sara's room, one of his nurses "had" to give me a hug... she whispered to me that this was so horrible and she was sorry... and then I could see all of them - remembered each face that had given me that look - the one that said the same things - and that they were helpless to fix it. And then I felt bad for them. There is still a heart in medicine...
I know this is a horrible thing we are going through, but I still have hope. This is a tragic chain of events that Sara has endured, but she has an internal strength none of them know or have ever seen, as I have. People see her and recognize she is inside that almost lifeless body, but I see beyond that and believe in her.
It just wears me out not to be there, and deal with the other side of this nightmare. I tell you - if I could, I would stay at that hospital 24x7, help nurse her back to health, help rehabilitate her, make sure she was never alone. But I can't.
i'm rambling - and I'm sorry for that. it's just mentally draining right now to think of this, and wish that Sara could just wake up from this and it have been a bad dream... I'm going to go nap...my poor brain needs a rest...
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This was Kristina’s day to decompress from the stress of all of this and take care of a few of her clients. I had the privlage of spending the day with sara today. When I got here, she was awake and waiting for me. I talked to her for a bit and asked if she was glad I was there. She answered Yes (eyes down). She was tired from the morning routeen of the things she gets done to her. I told her I would just sit with her and watch her sleep. Sara drifted off for a bit fitfully. Her right leg kept jerking and she would wake up. I asked her if her leg was bothering her. She Answered Yes. I asked if she was having cramps in her leg. She again answered yes. I then asked if she wanted me to message it out. She answered yes again. I am so glad I can communicate with her. It’s a little hard some times. But I am starting to get the hang of it. Anyway, Her nurse brought in some loation and I removed the boots and the pressure sleeves from legs. I then messaged from her knees on down to her toes. Her eyes where wide open and I can could tell she really enjoyed that. I put the pressure sleeves back on her and asked if that helped. She answered A LOT (eyes up and down). After that she was sound asleep for another couple of hours. When she woke up again, I told her about Daniel coming up to see her tomorrow for their 3rd aniversary. She answered yes. Then I told her I would watch her sleep some more and leave in a bit. I told her that if she got scared of anything, think of me giving her a bear hug and to draw strength from that thought. She answered yes again and I watch my angle drift back to sleep.
ReplyDeleteI am not as elequiint a writer as Kristina, But that was Sara’s day today. Not to eventfull, But I enjoyed my time with her and was glad that she happy to see me.
Mike Bartholomew
Im glad to hear that she can again open her eyes wide and look up and down. that will make tommorow much more enjoyable.
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