Results of CT

I sat down for a long time with the Neurologist on her case. He and I went over her CT in detail. He is a very patient doctor, and I appreciate his calm manner and honesty.

There are no new problems. The current shunt is doing its job well and the pockets of excess cerebrial spinal fluid are draining well. The plan will be to place a permanent shunt for her sometime in the next couple of weeks. The Neurosurgeon on her case will discuss timing and what that entails with me later.

The Neurologist showed me the different layers of her brain, where the shunt currently is. We traced the start of her middle brain. He showed me what healthy brain tissue looked like and what fluid looked like and what damaged brain looks like. He showed me what a stroke looks like on one side compared to another side. He quietly took me around the brain, showing me structures, arteries, fluid pockets, bone.

Then he led me to the part of her brain that is damaged. He showed me just how much damage and where it was. My heart actually sank. He said it is amazing that she is alive at all. It was no small stroke and it wasn't just isolated to the pons area of the middle brain. He showed me where another part of her brain was starved for oxygen as a result of that stroke. He said she was robbed of oxygen for a very long time in parts.

....Oh baby girl...you've been so beat up. Its so unfair. You are just 19 years old and he is showing me just how bad your poor brain has been thrashed...

After he finished showing me the results of her scan I sat for a long minute. The only question that could come to mind was "Is there anything at all we can do for her?" I have been real good about not researching every cockamamie supposed help for stroke and brain injuries. But now, I feel the crazy welling up and I have to keep myself in check.

I would not want his job today. "No. There is nothing we can do for her. It is mother nature and her nature now." Hearing it from him, with his patient explanation, calm, Sara-focused care that I have observed since she came here...I trust what he says. I don't accept it. But I do trust it. There is a difference.

We talked longer. We talked about therapy, other interventions, other non-standard options. He encouraged me to research and try anything we felt was reasonable. We discussed how therapy is only beneficial if she can participate. And, she has to be able to show specific benefit over a specific time for insurance to pay for it. He told me that frequently people will go out of pocket for therapy for their loved one to get them to a state that other therapies would be warranted and paid for by insurance. He said that although she does open her eyes, wiggle her toes, move her mouth, to be realistic and patient. Nothing is going to happen overnight and she is still so very damaged - still so close to the event that has left her in this state - its going to take time, a LOT of time, for any changes. A lot of time for her to get back into a regular sleep wake cycle for that matter..which is very important for recovery, too.

Her state - about as dependent on others for care as you can be. She is ventilator dependent and requires multiple people to care for her. That is where this stroke has left her...

I can almost see her jumping around the living room showing me some kick she was working on in Tae kwon do...or jumping on my bed giggling...or bopping down the stairs in her scrubs on her way to work... god it makes me ache...

I'm sitting in her darkened room, crying as I blog this. Daniel is curled up beside her napping. Her vitals tell me she is resting well, too. Such a sweet site. It could be a nap any day, except for the tubes and machines. Oh baby girl. I'm so sorry this has happened to you. I'm so sorry this has happened to us all...

I knew it was going to take a lot for her. The doctor and I did discuss that Locked-In patients do gain ground, and do find enjoyment in their lives. Some have gone on to make significant, meaningful contributions to society. It just takes time..a lot of time and help.

I'm knocked out at how many people are sharing in this with us. How many people are helping in any way they can. She is very fortunate to live in a community that cares so much.

I'm not going to let what i saw on that CT change what I expect for her. It is a test and tells doctors a lot. And it told me a lot, too. But, as she's shown us so many times in the last three weeks...tests are just indicators, not absolutes. One test they can't give her is the one only she can...testing herself, her drive, her desire.

This is going to be harder than I thought. But, I'm still on her side and still believe in her as much today as I did yesterday. ...come on, baby girl....i'll be patient....show us what you've got...let us help you get more...